Researching for a non-fiction book:

Learning, listening and meeting your younger self

Warning: contains references to abuse

Researching for my book Bent Is Not Broken involved three main and very different strands: desktop research, in-depth interviews and delving into my own past. All three strands took place at the same time, over the space of about six months, and I began writing up the results into what would become the first draft of my manuscript as I went along. In this article, I'm going to explain each of those processes briefly, talk about how it all eventually came together into a book, and reflect on the impact of the process.

The desktop research involved reading a lot about LGBT+ culture and history, collating my findings into hundreds of pages of typed notes and then producing a series of extended essays about the different topics I wished to cover. These were printed out and bound, then scribbled allover by hand while I decided what was interesting, what was boring, what needed more work. You can see from the image that I had a long list of dates and events on the recto (right hand) page; boring for a reader, but necessary for my research. Wanting my book and its contents to be as accessible as possible, I made a point of only including references that are in the public domain, meaning that anyone reading the book could find the references for further reading if they so wished. The only exception to this was that I referred to two books by Carl Sagan that I personally own (although many of his most famous quotes are now widely available online). I avoided using Wikipedia as I wanted to use direct references rather than collated ones.

For the interviews with 24 LGBT+ friends and acquaintances, I prepared a set of brief open- ended questions, but on the whole I encouraged people to tell their own life story in their own words. I asked people how they wanted to be interviewed: as a result, some people I met face to face, some over the phone, some by video call and a couple of people chose to write their stories. The conversations varied from half an hour to over two hours, depending on how much people wanted to say. While they talked, I made copious notes; I am a fast writer and I am very experienced in conducting interviews from decades of doing it at work, so this came easily to me. The notes in the picture may look like random scribbles, but they made sense to me.

All interviewees were assured that anything written about them would be sent to them for approval and that everything would be anonymised. I wanted people to feel comfortable, and to feel they could be honest and candid without worrying. This approach helped enormously; some people told me things they had never told anyone, and for one person, talking to me led to them to seek therapeutic support for coming to terms with sexual abuse they had endured years before and never disclosed. Other people told me how helpful it was to talk about themselves, how much they had enjoyed it, and how important it was to them to reflect on their lives. Just the simple act of me listening to their stories did all this. Even if no-one bought the book, I thought, these interviews had already reaped some rewards. The draft manuscript was also sent out to my friends who feature in the book but who didn't want to be interviewed, and to members of my family. Some of my friends helped me remember things I'd forgotten. And for my family, the most wonderful outcome happened: reading the stories of those I had interviewed helped my youngest son realise that it was OK to be himself; it offered him hope and helped him gain the confidence to come out once and for all. I am so proud of him for that.

My book is part memoir and focuses mainly on a time over forty years ago when I was a teenager finishing school and moving to London, where I became immersed in gay sub-culture. I began to write from memory, but then wondered if I could rely on this sixty-year-old brain to recall the events and my feelings accurately. With some trepidation, I located and opened the diaries that I began keeping in 1980, when I was sixteen. The image here shows a few of those old tomes. As I began to read, it became apparent very quickly that not only had I forgotten a LOT, but also that I had also misremembered a lot. I decided that in order to write an accurate memoir, I needed to read them in full. Years of them. Doing this was surreal, funny, heartbreaking and enlightening. It felt ridiculously self-indulgent in some ways, and also quite intrusive: reading what my former self had written privately felt a bit voyeuristic. In the end though, it was cathartic. I had completely forgotten how bullied and teased I was, and that I was sexually assaulted at seventeen. Re-reading what that girl went through, I understood for the first time with absolute clarity why I hate teasing, and why I was always so screwed up about relationships with men. I decided to present my younger self, warts and all in my book, and this added a level of authenticity I wouldn't have achieved otherwise.

I also sifted through old photos including the few slides there were of me as a child in the 1960s and 70s. That again was a revelation. Here was a scared little girl, bluffing her way through life, pretending to be more confident than she felt inside. Here also, the teenager reinventing her appearance and being a muse to her gay friends, hiding behind a protective mask of make-up and alternative clothing. Just occasionally, there was a photo of me truly happy and relaxed. Here are a few from the reject pile - the ones that didn't make it into the book.

Finally, I re-read letters and cards sent to me in the 1980s by friends and family. More revelations! Memory really is a funny old thing. I wanted to deeply explore my relationship with "Peter," the friend who features heavily in this particular part of my life. Reading letters and cards from him that I haven't looked at for decades made me laugh and cry; made me love him allover again just like I did all those years ago. There's even a sketch he did of me in 1981. That did make it into the book. He's a private person these days, and didn't want to be interviewed for the book, but gladly let me tell his story through my eyes.

Collating all this material into something that resembled a cohesive book was hard work but fun, like assembling a puzzle. A couple of people remarked that they felt I was writing two books - one containing my memoir and my friends' stories, and one containing the essays, which became the basis for chapters on various aspects of LGBT+ culture and history. But I was determined to try and blend it all into one offering; I had an aim of what I wanted to create, and I just needed to figure out how I was going to get there.

The more I worked on it, the more I found that things started to weave together and flow. Once I had been taken on by my publisher, the editor there helped me sort out the manuscript further, and a set of themes began to emerge. Concentrating on those themes gave me a framework on which to build the book into a story, and what had started as a stream of consciousness morphed into something much more readable over the course of a few months. This process seemed at times as if it was almost happening organically; I couldn't quite believe that it was me doing this as it seemed to take on a life of its own somehow. Then it was done. Well, I say that; I was still trying to make changes right up until it was time for formatting: my editor had to stop me! Thankfully, the reviews so far confirm that the result makes sense to readers. Here's one (slightly abridged) review that captures the reader's understanding of what I was trying to achieve:

Very likely one of the most interesting queer/allied books to come out in years!

"Bent Is Not Broken" is a truly compelling and poignant read, expertly weaving together personal recounts, and a first-hand perspective of the author immersed in the gay community of London in the 1980s. The author's narrative is enriched with heart-rending accounts from those she interviewed, shedding light on their deep struggles, painful anxieties, and personal triumphs. The dichotomy of tragedy and jubilation, tears and joy, creates a powerful, emotive journey for readers. It offers invaluable insight into the history of the queer community in the UK, demonstrating their remarkable resilience. This book is a testament to the strength of human spirit, making it a must-read for both younger LGBT+ individuals seeking to understand the past, and older readers reminiscing on their life journey. In addition to delving into the personal experiences of the author, "Bent Is Not Broken" also explores larger societal issues and events that shaped the LGBT+ community. A truly captivating read!

Peter came to the little book launch that I hosted to thank my friends and family for helping me to become a published author. All the friends from different stages of my life who are in the book began introducing themselves to one another.

"Who are you in the book?" asked someone.

"I am Peter," he said, grinning proudly. Whilst they didn't want their identities publicly known, they all felt comfortable in this room, and were happy to disclose who they were in the book. That I had created this safe space was a little bit magical for me.

If you had told that messed up teenager that her words and thoughts would be published into a book over forty years later, written by her older self, she would have thought you were balmy. And she would have written things differently, concerned about how others would judge her. I am glad she had no idea. It's been a remarkable experience to meet her again.

I hope if you're struggling with your research or your manuscript that these words might be of some comfort. Who knows if my book or any book will be a success. I'm trying to raise money for charity with my proceeds, which for me would be the icing on the Bent Is Not Broken cake. But reflecting now on the process of researching for the book, the impact has already been worth the effort. It's a journey I will never forget.

Bent Is Not Broken. Buy the eBook (various platforms) or get the paperback on Amazon via:

www.books2read.com/BentIsNotBroken

To read more blogs about about LGBT+ culture and history, and about my experience of writing a book, head to www.bentisnotbroken.com